Adrian Peterson Accused Of Using Aimbots In Team Fortress 2

Satire

Embattled Minnesota Viking’s running back and avid video gamer Adrian Peterson finds himself in hot water yet again, this time for cheating in the popular free-to-play shooter Team Fortress 2. In the previous few months the six time pro bowler has been accused of hitting his child with a small tree branch, commonly referred to as a switch, hosting a wild sex party in a hotel room using the credit card and funds from his charity All Day, Inc, and he admitted to smoking marijuana while out on bond. No one is denying that those previous offenses are certainly heinous in their own right, but many industry analysts are pointing to this latest accusation as his most damning yet.

“Sure, beating a kid with a stick is bad I guess, but who hasn’t dreamed of using money meant for charity on a swanky hotel orgy?” ESPN legal analyst Chad Richards told MOARGeek, “This newest accusation, which I believe to be true, is by far the worst. How does someone use an aimbot in a game so innocent as Team Fortress 2 and still sleep at night?”

Richards went on to tell us that he believes Peterson’s aimbot habits date back even to before his NFL playing days. He revealed that Adrian Peterson’s nickname, All Day, which has been thought to be an endearing remark on his work ethic for the game football is in fact another damning peace of evidence against Peterson in the aimbot scandal. As Richardson told us, “Everyone thinks AD stands for All Day because he played football good or something, but in reality it was because he used aimbots and cheated his enemies’ all day’.”

Teammates at Oklahoma University as well as the thousands of Team Fortress 2 players he wrongfully dominated gave him the nickname over the course of his 15-month cheating spree. It was not until the NCAA caught wind of his rampant cheating that they stepped in and stopped the news from spreading. A few closed TF2 servers and dozens of unsolved murder cases later and the real origin of the All Day moniker was lost forever. Until now.

There are also rumors that Peterson used his aimbot abilities to unlock and hoard up to eight extremely rare Unusual Burning Flames Team Captain hats for his own personal use. Following such alarming accusations, Adrian Peterson released the following statement on his blog:

I fully admit to whipping that kid with a switch, putting my marriage in jeopardy using funds from my charity, and smoking a little bit while I was out on bond. I mean, so what, right? But I will not stand by and let my good name be dragged through the mud with these aimbot accusations. Let me tell you right now without mincing words: I have not and never will do something as horrifying as cheating in Team Fortress 2 just to get some of those amazing and life-changing hats. Anyone who would dare do such a thing deserves to be locked away for a long time if you ask me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my son knocked over a table lamp and I need to give a little discipline with this metal bat.

At press time, Peterson admitted to the aimbot crime after a forum post from 2009 showing him bragging about “pwning these [redacted] [redacted] noobs felt great. Check out my hats, [redacted]” emerged. It has also been revealed that, in the past, Peterson has glitch jumped in Halo 2 ranked matches, played exclusive as the Eagles  in Madden 2006, exploited the loot cave in Destiny, and he thoroughly enjoyed the ending to Mass Effect 3.

The above article is satire and should not be taken as factual. 

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