Tamagotchi Movie Will Be Split Into Three Full-Length Films, Span Multiple Universes

Satire

Tamagotchi’s move to the big screen will be split across multiple movies and universes, 20th Century Fox confirmed Wednesday. Reportedly in development since early 2002, the Tamagotchi film – or series of films as it has been revealed – will take place across the original Tamagotchi universe consisting of five different colored electronic key chain toys with 11 different characters, as well as crossover with some other properties owned by the studio.

“We really want to keep the great spirit of Tamagotchi that everyone loved, and has probably forgotten, intact,” one Fox executive told MOARGeek, “but we also have a limited amount of to work with, so we will do our best to stretch this bad boy into three films before people start to realize we’ve run out of ideas.” Citing budgetary issues as well as a desire to “get this sack of turds out the door as fast as possible,” the anonymous executive also informed us that all three films will be shot entirely with iPhone 6 cameras dangling precariously above Tamagotchi toys sitting on a dirty carpet.

As director Peter Jackson told us, “It is very similar to how I shot The Hobbit trilogy, actually. You’ll notice that occasionally Thorin Oakenshield looks like he had a tan, well that is in fact not true. He’s pale as a ghost, but that dark coloration is just the dust that accumulated on my basement floor that I was using as a green screen at the time. The tan-looking Oakenshield starts to show up about 20 minutes into the first Hobbit film, which is when I began to run out of money and couldn’t replace a ripped green screen.” Jackson also confided that he is enthusiastic to begin working on a project with a wealth of information and back story such as Tamagotchi, after trying his best to stretch the single Hobbit book into three feature length films.

If you look closely at this still image from The Desolation of Smaug, you

If you look closely at this still image from The Desolation of Smaug, you’ll notice that Thorin’s face is actually just a stain from a spilled cup of coffee on Peter Jackson’s tattered carpet.

Fan reaction to the news has been mostly positive, as most people who once used Tamagotchis are now in the target demographic to have their childhood exploited for next few decades until they are watching nothing but Jack Nicholson movies and forgotten about entirely in their late-60’s. As IMDB forum user rokitpowr96 said, “I’m just glad that the movie industry has found something else to stretch into multiple films that isn’t another Spider-Man reboot.”

Earlier in the week, Screenpants.com got their hands on a script for the first film that has since leaked online. In the 148-page script we see the journey of a group of Tamagotchi as they perilously travel across their screens and eventually find food and then, as an apparent cliffhanger, die. The entire thing can be read over at Screenpants, but we have taken some of the most dramatic moments from the script and uploaded them here just for you (click to view larger versions).

TamogatchiScreenplay-page-001    TamogatchiScreenplay-page-002  TamogatchiScreenplay-page-003   TamogatchiScreenplay-page-004

Clearly the films are going to be the emotionally driven powerhouses that we have come to expect from Peter Jackson after his multiple Hobbit movies.

“This is my most ambitious project to date,” producer Joss Whedon told us, “and working with the Tamagotchis is as rewarding as it is challenging. Occasionally on set they required food, play time, and even random bouts of sleep, but we powered through it and I really feel like we got some great performances out of them.” Whedon also stated that he plans on bringing the Tamagotchi on the set of The Avengers 2: Age of Ultron to help Jeremy Renner bring some much-needed life to his performance as Hawkeye.

Filming for “The Fantastic Desolation of Tamagotchi Part 1: Wolverine Begins Returning” will begin sometime later this year and each subsequent sequel is expected to release every Columbus Day for the next three years.

The above article is satire and should not be taken as factual. 
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