Apple kicked off its WWDC 2023 event with a two-hour presentation in which they showed off several new Apple products. In typical Apple form, the company reminded viewers throughout the presentation that they invented everything. From personal computing to smartphones, we would be nothing without their generous gift of innovation. The company’s latest groundbreaking effort is the Apple Vision Pro.
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
The Apple Vision Pro is the company’s new AR/VR headset designed to bring us into the next stage of what Apple calls “human to hardware” assimilation. The company has extensively tested this latest technology on CEO Tim Cook and his primary staff. The tests have proved encouraging, and the results speak for themselves, as Tim Cook and other presenters were not actual humans.
An Apple spokesperson told us that Mr. Cook and some other presenters, they did not clarify who, have been in the Apple Vision Pro “Vision Pod Mainframe Storage Facility” for the past three years. So what we watched were the Vision Pro versions of Tim Cook, Craig Federighi, and others.
The Apple Vision Pro team is hard at work on the technology, making it nearly realistic to the user. The listed features below are still in the alpha stage, but Apple is confident the tech will succeed, and we should see full “human to hardware” assimilation by 2033. Some features the Apple Vision Pro team is working on include:
- “iGrass” Simulation: With Vision Pro, Apple simulates the feeling of lush grass beneath your feet without requiring you to step outside. Say goodbye to dirty shoes, creepy crawlies, and pollen-induced sneezing fits. Apple’s patented iGrass technology ensures your virtual feet will always remain perfectly manicured, regardless of the weather outside.
- “FoodTube”: Say goodbye to cooking and meal prep. Apple’s Vision Pro introduces “FoodTube,” a streaming service that virtually delivers a constant stream of your favorite foods directly to your mouth. Whether you’re craving a juicy steak, a slice of pizza, or a delightful scoop of ice cream, simply open the FoodTube app and indulge without ever leaving your couch. Beware of potential weight gain, though!
While the Vision Pro offers convenience and endless entertainment, it’s worth considering the implications of a society where human interaction becomes obsolete. Sure, you’ll never have to suffer through an awkward date or endure small talk at a family gathering again, but at what cost? The joy of experiencing genuine connections and the wonders of the natural world might be replaced by virtual substitutes, leaving us lonelier and more isolated than ever.
But who am I to complain? Maybe the “human to hardware” push is the future for us all. I guess the only question is…I have my Apple Vision Pro; when do I order my Vision Pod?
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This article is purely satire and should not be taken seriously.
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Last Updated on March 18, 2024.
